"The world is but a canvas to the imagination." -HDT

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Ramble. Ramble. Ramble.

Well my friends, I don't know where to start, truly I don't.
So I suppose I should start with letting you in on a little secret, I think I'm having a quarter life crisis, yes a quarter life crisis, and I'm afraid it's among the most terrifying things I've ever dealt with.  My emotions are running high, like out the roof high, worse though, so are my hormones, which is never good.
I'm way on edge and probably driving everyone around me absolutely insane. I'm surprised MB is even speaking to me after the depressing, four-nights-in-a-row conversations with me crying for no reason. So let me start the jumble of junk that's been bobbing around my head the past few days.

  • So my latest guilty pleasure is watching Real Housewives of New Jersey, it makes my life look so normal! It's terrible, I know, but I can't help it. 
  • So the second family is having some unresolved issues. I woke up the other morning with the cruel realization that I'm never going to get to be normal and most normal people are never going to understand me.  This is all thanks to my ovaries of steel, aka the ovaries that hate me and don't work properly. So thank you PCOS, for causing multiple breakdowns, angry outbursts, and random panic attacks over the past week. I blame you, ovaries of steel, I blame you! However, MB keeps reminding me that this is the way I was made and that's why the people who love me actually love me.  So I guess because I'm a work of art made my God, I cannot hate myself the way most people would.  Although I have come pretty close. Zach has attempted to keep me sane although he's having problems as well. We're good at balancing each other out in times like this since we're both emotional wrecks. Alex and Corbin are off roaming their own little world, coming back to rescue me on my really bad mornings.  I feel like we're all out trying to figure out who we are, and we're all failing miserably. I think I've done something to cause Nate to ignore me? I say that as a question because I don't know if that's actually the case.  Zach tells me that because Nate and I are brother and sister, we have to love each other unconditionally, but also hate each other at least 60% of the time we spend together. After some prayer, I decided last night that I guess I shouldn't be too worried about Nate "unloving" me or kicking me to the curb because we've been through much worse, however, it still annoys and hurts me to no end to feel like I've done something wrong when I actually haven't (at least I think.) But then again if anything is going to hold this family together, it's gonna be God, and I just have to keep telling myself that. I get really tired of feeling like I dissapoint people, like I have really high expectations and everything, I also get tired of apologizing in general because I know it makes things worse most of the time.  MB kept me on the phone for 3 hours last night trying to keep me calm, sending me Bible verses to get me through the night. It's so funny how you can be perfectly happy then all the sudden God brings you to this point where the sky is falling and waves are crashing and you can't breathe, it's like your lost, but your not. I keep seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but the more I try to reach for it, it gets farther away.  I suppose this time, is actually supposed to be God's time. I pray He'll get me safely to that light of happiness again. But for now, we'll just learn from the journey to the end. 
  • My brother has been acting strange, as if he knows something that I don't. I take that back, more like doesn't have a clue what's going on.  I'm saying this from the standpoint that he's acting stranger than usual. Which of course the broken ankle is probably not helping much. I feel bad because he doesn't understand why I'm upset all the time or why he had to delete certain people off facebook, but it's hard for me to explain it to him. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I have to. 
  • Part of my quarter-life crisis has been saving the world from the comfort of my own home. I went out and bought Eat Love Pray the other day.  I really think Elizabeth Gilbert is like my long lost twin who happens to be much older than me. So many of the thoughts that she has put on paper has run through my head at least once.  I also bought an organic Iota tote, made of jute, best 20 bucks I've ever spent, seriously! I took up yoga and meditative praying yesterday morning, it's been rather rejuvenating to say the least (also kind of sore as well, but worth it.) I'm also trying my best to drink out of my camelback and not out of plastic bottles, that's still a major work in progress though...
  • I've decided that my quiet time needs to be focused on one topic at a time, sometimes even the same thing two days in a row. Everytime I read the Bible I feel like the way it's written changes. I want to get all I can out of what I'm reading, I mean I've read the Great Gatsby over eight times and I always seem to miss or forget something. I think the Bible should be same, read it until it hits you, that beautiful smack in the face, when you really get it and you can really apply it to your life.  
  • I'm fasting from my facebook fast, yeah, I know, sue me okay? But really, I only have 53 followers on Twitter and over 1,000 friends on facebook.  When I really need prayer, where do you think I'm gonna go to get the most prayer, not twitter (although I still ask on there as well.) So until this depression departs my heart, facebook will be intact. 
  • If you've read this far, I congratulate you, I've hardly had the attention span to write all that's been on my mind. Thank you for reading this far my beautiful readers! 
  • My addiction to Bones is horrible, so is that fact they referenced Sailor Moon on today's episode and I got all giddy inside. 
  • I keep having nightmares, last nights was about ninja cats. 
  • I have an appointment with Diana Carter to look into changing my major this Thursday, prayers for a good decision would be awesome please!! 
  • Work today was interesting? I tweeted that I wished Lowes Foods would stop playing the country remakes of my 80's music. They tweeted me back saying their sorry and they hope the remakes aren't too bad. Win or fail? I also checked out the band parent who flipped on me at a football game for "losing" her sons uniform hanger (I was the band captain and the uniform room coordinator.) She told her son to steal someone else's hanger, so then someone else stole another person's hanger, and so and so on, causing a large group of angry kids wanting to know where their hangers were.  Apparently this was all my fault and she came down to yell at me. Great memory, oh yeah! Well, today I checked her out and her strawberries fell off the counter.  I really just wanted to duck and cover, but I distracted her with much horror stories of dropped fruit in the store until Shawn could get a new box of berries for her, close call. Thank goodness she was my last customer of the night. 
  • Tomorrow I go to Boone! So excited to get out town, get to the mountains, and see my amazing grandparents!! 
So I believe that is all of my ramblings for the night. What crazy stuff has happened in your lives recently? 


Anonymous said...

If there is one thing for certain, it's that after reading all your past blogs, you and Nate are going to be fine. And you will be fine also. Don't fear what God puts in your path. You're smart kids, you won't give up on each other that easily.

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