"The world is but a canvas to the imagination." -HDT

Monday, July 5, 2010

Hope.

It's been a really hard day. My past has suddenly come back to haunt me, and my mind once again got ahead of my heart.  But in the midst of all that pain I've been feeling, a glimmer of hope set my heart a flutter at work today.  
MB has been at work and Nate is off to camp and hasn't been able to pick up the phone, which is hard when you're in need of prayer.  When things like this happen, when people can't get in contact with me, I worry. It's part of my nature, I'm a very emotional person, very motherly person, and I owe my body for that one.  For those who don't know, I was diagnosed with the disease, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, my senior year of high school.  It's a disease that targets the female organs causing growths to develop and chemical and hormone imbalances.  Nate calls it permanent PMS, and along with that is a combo of Type 2 Diabetes, Thyroid Disease, and a lot of emotional and physical self-conscious problems.  But the biggest concern in my life, though I’m only 19, is that PCOS remains the leading cause of infertility in women and that's been one of my biggest struggles. I love children, always have, always will.  I don't dream about getting married, I dream about having children, but I know that there's not a very good chance of that. 

My health has seemingly only gotten worse since I was diagnosed. However, as much as I hate this disease, I must also thank it.  It has brought me to God. And the day after it brought me to God, God brought Nate to me-- while  in the middle of a hormonal breakdown.  But Nate didn’t care, he helped the strange bassoonist with the disease anyway and now look at us, attached at the hip, loved and loving.   And because it brought me to Nate, it’s brought me to MB and the night that the two of them sat in the practice room holding me and telling me it was going to be alright, that my health was going to get better.  I knew MB for only a few days before that night happened, but it didn’t matter- she sat there anyway and held me until I stopped crying.  It has led me to a church that accepts me and a bassoon studio that understands.  PCOS has led me away from my once-was, angry feminist beliefs, and into the arms of the Lord who loves me, just the way I am.  
However this knowledge sometimes disappears when I’m stuck in an emotional whirlpool of feelings and hurt.  Mostly because the hurt comes from myself because I can’t control it. Earlier today I was a wreck of tears for no real reason at all.  And upon the realization that I didn’t know why I was crying, I got even more upset.  This vicious cycle led me to thinking, who could ever love this mess of a person? But it’s silly, I know who loves me, God, my family, Nate, MB, Zach, Alex, Corbin, Ally, they all love me. So if that’s the case, then why can’t I love myself? My cats even love me, what was wrong with me? 

These emotions went on throughout the day and eventually into work.  As much as I didn’t have the nerve to go into work today, I know there was a reason that God sent me anyway.  I stood there for 30 minutes voiding out an order that a woman decided she didn’t want anymore, consisting of over 100 items.  She was frustrated, I was frustrated, my bagger boy was frustrated, but I refused to let my anger show, so I smiled as much as possible.  Behind the angry customer was a boy about my age waiting patiently.  I looked up at him and he smiled at me, I could tell he was a special needs child.  He came over to where I was standing and asked if I had seen his mom who was standing with him a few minutes ago.  I told him no, but if he waited I would help him find her, he interrupted me to ask my name. I told him it was Annaliese and his face lit up.  
“That’s a beautiful name!! Such a beautiful name and it fits you perfectly Miss Annaliese! A beautiful name for a beautiful girl!” 
I smiled at the sweet boy, speechless, not knowing what to say.  How could he ever understand that something like that was what I needed to hear? Something as simple as accepting me for who I am, was what I needed to get me through this battle with myself. He looked right past the physical problems, the acne, and the fact my eyes were still swollen and makeup-less from crying all day, he saw me. Me. It seemed so simple after that moment.  “Me” is how God created me, and how could I nor anyone else not love that? There is no other person in this world quite like me, quite like you, quite like him or her, no other.  And because of that, we must love ourselves, that’s the way it is. That’s the reason God made it that way.  
MB talked me through tonight as I faced a different battle, one that I hadn’t faced since sophomore year of high school but one that I continue to remember and hurt over.  She sent me a text before she went to bed about the Bible verse she was studying that night. 
Isaiah 9:1
But there will be no gloom for her who was in anguish....
I’ve marked this in my Bible along with the verse Nate found for me a few weeks ago while doing quiet time. 
Hebrews 10: 32-39 
32 But recall in the former days when, after you were enlightened, you endured a hard struggle with sufferings 33 sometimes being publicly exposed to reproach and affliction, and sometimes being partners with those so treated. 34 For you had compassion on those in prison, and you joyfully accepted to plundering of your property, since you knew that you yourselves had a better possession and an abiding one.  35 Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. 36 For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what is promised. 37 For,  “Yet a little while and the coming one will come and will not delay;
38 but my righteous one shall live by faith, my soul has no pleasure in him.” 
39 But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those  who have faith and preserve their souls. 
Both these verses give me the strength to go from day to day, no matter what my troubles are, not just because they came from the two people who love me unconditionally, but because the verses speak right from God’s heart.  I pray that you all will find something that inspires you the way it has inspired me. Something that will help you conquer that last rut you’re afraid to cross over, that last obstacle holding you back, or that last person telling you that you can’t.  Because with God anything is possible, His love, conquers all.  Because all you need is love and love is all you need. 
So tell me friends, tell me your stories? You’re all inspirations in someway so now tell me who, where, what, inspires you to make it through?
have a beautiful Tuesday, friends! 
xoxo
-anya:)

3 comments:

JennaT said...

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands."
-Deuteronomy 7:9

Praying for you, sweet girl. <3

Anya said...

Jenna, thank you so, so much, this verse is just what I needed :) thank you for your prayers, they mean so much to me! I've been checking out your blog and hope you are having a fabulous summer! <3

Dawn said...

Wow...this was amazing. Thank you for sharing, Miss Annaliese! :)
That was beautiful!!!
happy night/day to you,
dawn:)

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