After the Heaven post from a few months ago, I've received some concern as to what exactly is going on in my life.
In January I went to see a specialist about the internal bleeding I was dealing with. Since then I have officially been diagnosed with Endometriosis. This is good because it explains a lot of what's been going on. However, it's also bad because both endo and PCOS are clashing diseases that refuse to get along. By treating one issue, it only makes the other one worse. This has led to a treatment that will put my ovaries to sleep until further notice. It's going to be an adventure for sure... and it's a little scary because I know how this will emotionally take a toll on me.
My body is extremely confused as to what exactly it's supposed to do. As of 4 weeks ago, I feel like I've gone through puberty, menopause, and suffered symptoms of pregnancy, minus actually being pregnant with a baby. There's nothing like hot flashes, morning sickness, and mood swings all at once. Because this treatment directly correlates with my hormones, I can feel myself sinking into the depression I had suffered in the past, and it's very terrifying. I do not want to go back to that person I was. And I will not. It has definitely challenged my trust in God and my relationship with Nate and my family. However, this challenge is a good challenge because it really has helped me to realize not only how loved I am, but also how strong I can be as well. They have not left my side and although they are struggling with me on this, I know they are not going anywhere. My testimony is still in the process of being written.
Because of these emotionally difficulties I'm dealing with right now, we've decided to make a personal treatment for me. While physically, on the road to recovery, I will also be on the road to personal happiness. This is a way for me to find joy and contentment in my life, despite what my body and hormones are trying to say.
The first step? After this recent discovery and diagnosis, Nate and I came to the conclusion to go speak to Dr. Joe at Lawndale.
Dr. Joe is one of the most wise, if not the wisest, man that I've ever come across. By the end of our discussion, both Nate and I were speechless (shocker right?) The conclusion though? It had been laid on my heart to join Lawndale since Thanksgiving and finally, it was time to make a public announcement of faith and become a member of this amazing church. This was the first step to my own personal road to happiness. And as of January 23rd, I became a member of Lawndale.
The second? MB and I had been having difficulties in our relationship over Christmas and it came to the point where neither one of us was speaking to the other. It was very challenging to deal with, both emotionally and physically, because my trust had really been tried. However, three weeks after we returned from break, it was placed on my heart (well placed is not a good word... thrusted is more like it) that I forgive MB and we try to start our friendship anew. I found myself with Nate one night discussing what had been placed on my heart. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and explained that only the love of God could change a heart that was so hurt. Only He could change it to the point where I wanted to forgive MB, to the point where I openly admitted that I missed her. Then he put his arm around me and said something that I will never in my whole life forget:
"You've been so busy trying not to die, that you've forgotten how to live. You have Christ on your side, risk it."
As soon as he said those words, my phone rang and it was MB...
the rest is history.
As the trials come and go,
the scary moments when my body fails, or when my emotions get the best of me,
I've realized that in Christ alone my hope is found. I know that the only way I'm going to survive myself during this treatment is to be completely engulfed in Him. I may be weak, but His spirit is strong within me, my flesh may fail, but my God never will.
This whole experience has helped me to overcome my silly self conscious concerns, it's helped me to rely on God to fight for me, when I cannot fight for myself. It's made me realize just how much I am loved from my family and how devoted they are to making me feel better. It's brought Nate and I closer than we ever were before and I know that by growing in God, the best is yet to come. My testimony is constantly writing itself out, but I know the end result will be beautiful because it will be written in the glory of God.
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
And I can barely contain my excitement for that glory...