"The world is but a canvas to the imagination." -HDT

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


So, I'm way behind on posting updates on here and I'm doing my best to catch up.
But I'm taking a small break from updating about what's been happening these past months, to update you on the present times.

The other night, I was sent home from work due to severe pain in my abdomen. I went home and after multiple phone calls to the doctors, it was confirmed that I was internally bleeding in my right ovary again.  I have an appointment to see a specialist in January to hopefully find a treatment for this mess. However,  by the looks of it, things aren't looking to be in my favor. This is probably going to be something I have to deal with for the rest of my life.

There comes a point in time when you don't know what to do anymore, so you just sit and do nothing and talk to God instead. And you're hurting, and you're confused, and you're really scared.
And you start to think to yourself:

"I often wonder what God sees in me, why did He pick me to go through all this? I don't know why He thinks I can handle this, because I'm pretty sure I can't. I mean, He suffered for me, so I must suffer for Him, so it should make sense. He wants His named glorified but why pick me to be a living proof of His mercy? I'm not even that strong. I'm sure there's someone more fit to do this job better than me. Maybe someone with functioning ovaries? Someone who won't have doubt... who can actually sit up straight without being in pain, or someone who doesn't cry at everything. Someone...something... somewhere... not me. Why me?"

And when you get over the initial shock of things,
you start to see things in a more positive light.
Then you start thinking:

"But through all this pain and questioning, I know I'm only building a stronger testimony, something that can be told when other people have to go through this too, when they have to go through this alone. I can do this, I can be the walking proof that there is a God and He's going to use me in big ways. He's going to heal me somehow, someway."

So before you can sink back into your depression stage,
you text your best friend for prayer.
It goes something like this (not exactly, but to make the point):

"Nate, this is really bad timing but the internal bleeding it back."
"Kiddo, you're slowly killing yourself :( but now we have to talk about happy things! Um... how bout them poptarts" 
"I like poptarts... and Pokemon." 
"Do you like waffles?"
"Yes I like waffles! Do you like pancakes?" 
"No, because they have gluten and carbs...and we can't eat them."
"I bet in Heaven God's going to have a big plate of pancakes and waffles for us. He's going to say: eat my children and know that you will not be ridden with bad chemicals!" 
"Oh man!! In Heaven... I can belch and no one gets mad!" ...
"Do you think in Heaven we'll remember this pain...? Or only happy things?" 
"You know, I don't really know. I bet we'll remember the really important things, just so we could see how far we've come. But I know you won't feel this. Only feel the things that were used to Glorify Him!"

and the conversation continued that way for a good while.
Slowly turning from happy little comments about Heaven and all the things it'll have
(like angels playing accordions)
and into a more serious conversation.
A conversation that one might actually find scary at one point, but when you're in the state that I was in, it didn't matter, thinking of Heaven was a beautiful comfort. Since that night where we talked about Heaven, and since the start of this painful new chapter of my life, God's really laid a lot things on my heart.

(don't worry, I'm not giving up my blog, or my writing!)

It's time for me to separate myself from certain people, from stressful situations or events, and it's time for me to focus on... me.  I spend so much time taking care of other people, that I've literally reached the point where it's not possible for me to physically do it anymore. I have to stop saving everyone else, and start saving myself.

I have a lot of amazing "things" in my life, and I'm going to get through it.
I have a phenomenal God, who's bigger than any storm that I'll ever face.
I have a devoted best friend who never leaves my side, despite the hard times.
I have an awesome family and great little group of Christian girls.
I have Lawndale, my incredible church and church family,
and I have my Cru family.
That's all I need.

Being challenged like this, doesn't scare me like it used to.
I'm more blessed than I ever thought possible
and because of that I'm not so terrified of what treatments
or obstacles are now set ahead of me.
Even though I know there are a lot of scary things that could happen.
But God's got this in the palm of His hand,
and I'm going to be alright.
I'll continue my writing and spreading the Word
through my adventures from PCOS, and we'll see how God plans on using me.
And in the meantime,  if you all wouldn't mind,
keeping me in your thoughts and prayers,
it would mean the world to me.
I know the prayers work, I feel them work every second of everyday.
I love you all so much, my friends, fellow bloggers, and followers.
Thank you for all your sweet words and laughs that you've brought me.

Tonight I'm signing off with a song that isn't a worship song,
or a hymn, but instead a song that is just about as human
as I think any song can get.
There's something so real about this song,
as it's sung through the perspective of someone
who doesn't Biblically know what Heaven is about,
but has some idea about just how simple and beautiful it's going to be.
It touched my heart the moment I heard it,
I feel like this is real human emotion put into melody.

with love,


JennaT said...

I love this, and you :) I'm praying for you. Please be sure to let me know if there is anything at all that I can do for you. I also think that we should begin to hang out more often and get to know each other more. You are a light and a blessing to all of those around you! Hard times come and go, but God, the One who loves you oh so dearly, He stands firm. I'm thankful for you and your courage.

Blessings to you, sweet friend.

I'm excited to see you in a week or so :)

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