As of now that is,
Life has been something of a "head on collision on the New Jersey turnpike" lately. And I'm not really enjoying it too much however I am past the mourning and have headed on to the laughing stage because this is just ridiculous. If asked what happened, I would not know what to say. Something like, I went to Alex and Corbin's 80's party (even helped host it) and someone I really did not want to see or be near at all, insisted that they be near to me. The rest seems like a blur that ended with a horrible phone conversation with MB and getting sick at 2am on the back patio of A&C's house. The next night led to an awful three hour conversation with Nate and MB about how I'm just a "headed in the wrong direction car, on the New Jersey turnpike of life." And needless to say, I felt
better okay when the conversation was over and alittle loved... but then when MB sent me the notes she took of the conversation three days later, I felt like jumping off a bridge again.
It's so funny that this is what's come to. When you don't know who your best friends are and you don't know who you are because you feel like these best friends have been telling you who you need to be. I'm past my crisis, I'm more into the sluggish, omg, what have I done to myself? point of life. Have you ever been there?
Once upon a time, I was not like this, however I also know I really pissed off a lot of people too. I was a feminist, Gobama, Skirt! Magazine intern who knew exactly what was going on her life. But guess what? Just like now, I actually had no clue. I've changed paths completely, I'm a follower of my Savior and a daughter of God, but even after all this, I now I feel like I'm back where I started. But for some reason, I don't really want help from anyone, I kind of want to figure this out on my own.
I kind of want to start drawing, and play accordion more, and take a shot on my 21st birthday, and adopt a child by the time I'm 40. I kind of want to go back to Chicago and Seattle, I kind of want to go back to Portland, even if it gives me nightmares. I don't want to be the clingy, lovey, life sucker of a best friend I've become. I want to get a small tattoo, sing downtown, and have a Mountain Top God experience. I want to make a difference to someone, who is in a lower spot than I am at the moment, because I was there too at one time. I kind of want to scream at my old band director, and kind of want to hit my old PCOS doctor in the face. I want to buy an old house, paint it pink, and drive a vespa. I want to fall in love, and I want to write. Honestly, there are no "kind of's," it's just the way it is. I want to be who I was when I was three and nothing bothered me at all.
I feel like I've lost this battle, and lost some friends, some best friends, but I haven't lost the war. I haven't completed careened off the side of the New Jersey turnpike into a wall. Not completely at least. For now, that is.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
As of now that is,