Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
it's 2:00 AM when I receive a simple text from Nate that reads:
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
I hope this helps you all as much as it helped me.
I wish you happiness and joy,
the courage to face your challenges and heartaches,
and the strength to conquer all that you fear,
may it be big or small.
Most of all I wish you love,
love from me,
love from other's,
love from HIM.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
This past Monday, I thought it might be a good idea to face my "personal hell." What's my personal hell you ask? The high school band uniform room. Don't laugh, there's very good reason for that. This is where I spent my darkest and most depressing days of high school. After not getting drum major my senior year of high school, I was handed the master key to the school and the position of band captain. I was also entitled the rights to the uniform room, although I had them 4 years before.
Most people would think having a master key to every door in the school would be the coolest thing in the world, and it was. Except my reasons were different. My reasons meant that all summer, mornings before jazz band, lunch breaks, and afternoons after school would be spent in this little room all by myself, no one to bother me and nothing to do except sew and listen to my music, just me, myself, and I, all alone on the other side of campus from everyone else. However, you should know, our high school is separated into three parts:
1.) Main campus
2.) Comet Corner
3.) Zoo School located at the NC Zoo
The uniform room is located on the backend of Comet Corner, formally known as the trashy Sir Robert Motel (yep, only our high school would buy out a motel and turn it into classrooms.)
Senior year was not a good a year for me for reasons most of you already know. I got mono in November and then was diagnosed with PCOS in December. It was not a good year for me at all, so I did what any depressed band kid would do. Trap myself in the uniform room. And let me tell ya, looking back on my time spent in that uniform room, it really wasn't as great as I thought it would be.
So I decided, along with my father, that we were going to go work in the uniform room during band camp, since my brother is now in band. It seemed like a good plan... until I got there and was awkwardly ignored by an ex-boyfriend, got thrown into a pit of annoying freshman who got fresh with me (and I got fresh right back,) and stabbed myself with pins so many times, I could have drawn my own blood for my next doctor's appointment.
However on the upside, I had my dad, I had my old crew of band mom's, and I had my "Aunt" Rebecca. You see, before Nate and MB, there was my best friend of 16 years, Nash. His mom is my "Aunt" Rebecca because we always referred to each other as family. Life with the Dunn family is crazy, especially when you put them with my family.
So when Billy handed the keys to Aunt Rebecca to use the bathroom, we decided to have ourselves a little adventure.
The bathroom key we were given was for the upstairs bathroom of Comet Corner. We did not realize there were no lights. We did not realize there would be spiders. And we did not realize we would be actually be breaking into this bathroom.
So after three times of trying to open the door, we finally forced the bathroom door open, she went in, I followed, at least that was until a huge spider landed on my foot. I jumped into the bathroom, letting go of the door, and freaking out trying to step on the spider. Then the door closes and it's pitch black, she starts screaming at me because she can't see where she's going since there are no lights, both of us at this point are running into walls and each other trying to find the door handle. Finally after getting past the spider webs, I pushed the door back open so there was some light in the bathroom and everything seemed fine... until we tried to leave and lock the door. That's when we realized that we had broken the lock when we tried to get in the first time. Aunt Rebecca tells me then to call my father and get him to come fix it, and of course as soon as he picks up the phone he says;
"what did you do now? and no I will not come in the girls bathroom."
but after insisting, we convinced him to come rescue us. And thankfully he was able to fix the lock (and also lock us inside the spider ridden, dark, bathroom in the process.)
After that chaos, all I have to say is that, it's always an adventure with us and I'm thankful we were able to have this adventure after a year apart. (and I'm thankful Homiller never found out about us breaking the lock to the bathroom.)
So in the end, some people want to face their fears and most of them will conquer them. I decided to face my fears and decided that there's very good reason it's a fear, and that it still remains my personal hell. But the way I see it, because of all those awful times in that uniform room, I've realized just how much I've grown, and if walls could talk, they would say the same thing. They would say things like, even times alone, there were still good times with Nash, Ally, Billy, and especially my Dad.There were lots of days filled with skipped classes in order to work in the uniform room, and lots of happy times when I was relieved to actually get away from it all. If walls could talk they would say, life moves on, people pass through, but somethings never change, somewhere, someone appreciated the needle pricks, the shined up drillmasters, and the laughs that were brought to this room. Maybe my biggest fear, isn't the room itself, but the fact that this room holds so many memories, both good and bad, memories that we'll never get back. But I guess that's the way it is.
What are four walls anyway, they're only what and who they contain. And that's how it will always be.
As of now that is,
Life has been something of a "head on collision on the New Jersey turnpike" lately. And I'm not really enjoying it too much however I am past the mourning and have headed on to the laughing stage because this is just ridiculous. If asked what happened, I would not know what to say. Something like, I went to Alex and Corbin's 80's party (even helped host it) and someone I really did not want to see or be near at all, insisted that they be near to me. The rest seems like a blur that ended with a horrible phone conversation with MB and getting sick at 2am on the back patio of A&C's house. The next night led to an awful three hour conversation with Nate and MB about how I'm just a "headed in the wrong direction car, on the New Jersey turnpike of life." And needless to say, I felt
better okay when the conversation was over and alittle loved... but then when MB sent me the notes she took of the conversation three days later, I felt like jumping off a bridge again.
It's so funny that this is what's come to. When you don't know who your best friends are and you don't know who you are because you feel like these best friends have been telling you who you need to be. I'm past my crisis, I'm more into the sluggish, omg, what have I done to myself? point of life. Have you ever been there?
Once upon a time, I was not like this, however I also know I really pissed off a lot of people too. I was a feminist, Gobama, Skirt! Magazine intern who knew exactly what was going on her life. But guess what? Just like now, I actually had no clue. I've changed paths completely, I'm a follower of my Savior and a daughter of God, but even after all this, I now I feel like I'm back where I started. But for some reason, I don't really want help from anyone, I kind of want to figure this out on my own.
I kind of want to start drawing, and play accordion more, and take a shot on my 21st birthday, and adopt a child by the time I'm 40. I kind of want to go back to Chicago and Seattle, I kind of want to go back to Portland, even if it gives me nightmares. I don't want to be the clingy, lovey, life sucker of a best friend I've become. I want to get a small tattoo, sing downtown, and have a Mountain Top God experience. I want to make a difference to someone, who is in a lower spot than I am at the moment, because I was there too at one time. I kind of want to scream at my old band director, and kind of want to hit my old PCOS doctor in the face. I want to buy an old house, paint it pink, and drive a vespa. I want to fall in love, and I want to write. Honestly, there are no "kind of's," it's just the way it is. I want to be who I was when I was three and nothing bothered me at all.
I feel like I've lost this battle, and lost some friends, some best friends, but I haven't lost the war. I haven't completed careened off the side of the New Jersey turnpike into a wall. Not completely at least. For now, that is.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I don't typically ask this on my blog, but I'm really in desperate need of prayer right now. So if you guys could just lift up a little prayer for me today, it would be truly appreciated. My blog family consists of such special and amazing people and I know you'll read this, and I know you'll pray. So please, friends, please pray that God will get me through this mess cause things are looking towards the worse at this moment and I don't know how much I can handle on my already spinning and very chipped up plate.